Written by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen

If you are the cook (the grieving person)

• This is your grief-no one else’s.  Your friends can’t feel your loss in the same way.  It will not affect their life the way it affects yours.   And you may resent them for that.
• At first you may think dying would be preferable to having to go through this pain.  Just try to stay alive.  Sudden mood swings are normal.  You may suddenly be unreasonable and short.
• Try your best to educate your friends about what you need and how they can help.  Be as honest as you can be about how you are feeling.
• Don’t give up on your friends if they let you down.  But if they continue to be insensitive to your grief you may need to distance yourself for a while until you get stronger.
• At first you will probably want to talk to as many people as possible, but after a month or so, find one or two people whom you can count on for the long haul to just be there and listen when you need to talk.
• Write your thoughts in a journal.  It will help you to process and also to remember the new insights you are learning.
• Consider attending a support group.  Go at least three times before deciding if it is helpful to you.
• Be open to counseling.
• Exercise, sleep, drink plenty of fluids, and eat a well balanced diet.
• Pamper yourself.  Take bubble baths.  Get a message.
• Try not to compare your grief with another’s.  You don’t earn points for having a more painful experience than someone else has.  And you won’t feel less grief if someone else’s loss is worse.
• You deserve to feel happy again.  Being happy doesn’t mean your forget.  Learn to be grateful for the good days.
• Don’t be too hard on yourself.
• Long after everyone else has forgotten your loss, you will continue to remember.  Learn to be content with your private memories.

Soup Making and Time (Grieving Time)

• Grief work takes time.  Much longer than anyone wants it to.
• If a child or spouse dies it may be a year before the bereaved begins to gain a sense of stability, because the loss is highlighted by each season, holiday, anniversary or special day.  The second year is not so great either.
• You may be okay one minute but the next minute you may hit bottom.
• Nighttime can be particularly difficult.  Some people have trouble getting to sleep while others have trouble staying asleep.  And then there are those who don’t want to wake up.
• Most people can tolerate another’s loss for about a month before wanting the bereaved person to get back to normal.

Tear Soup is an excellent book.  It tells the story of a woman grieving and how she makes tear soup to help her through her grief.  It’s simple to read and appropriate for children and adults.  Among other places, the book can be found on amazon.com.